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me and kim

I want you to want me

Wow.. I just went thru my entire xanga journal. Is it me, or was I horribly mean and bitter... I apologize greatly to those who were offended by what was said. Shit, that means I have to apologize to myself.. I was quite offended. I dunno.. Maybe I was just THAT bitter about my life. Yes I learned a lot, but I technically didn't change my thoughts at all during those times. I am just NOW learing that compromise is the only way Im going to stay sane in my world. I lost a great person for so many years, just because I couldnt really think for myself.At the times, yes, I did think I was being my own person. But I was hiding behind how everyone else felt. Yes, I was angry, I was hurt.. But when all of it was going on I never said how I felt. Yea, I bitched about and around certain people... But I never said what was really bothering me. To this day I'm stil having problems with it. But I'm better now. I can say what's on my mind and either not care what the other person's going to say, or I realize everyone has their own opinion and it's not wrong or bad if it's different from mine. If I have a problem I may not be 100% upfront with it at the time. But just give me a few and I'll finally tell you the whole story.

Granted I kno I havent been the best friend to most people. There have been days where The Bitch just wants to come out and play. I'm not using that as an excuse (well nayB a lil). There are days where I just cant handle company. I work mad hours, and just want to be alone. MayB every once in a while I'll have Al come by. I just can't understand how people can go out EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Or mayB just the weekend. I can almost understand if you're in college and whatnot, but adults in their mid twenties wanting to "party it up" every damn weekend. I just cant process all of that. MayB some people call me a loser because I stopped drinking. What a lot of people don't realize is that I did A LOT of bad horrible things while I was drunk. It lost it's "flavor" after a while. I started hating who I became when I was drunk. Then again, I didn't kno what I did most of the time when I was drunk. I hear all the "happenings" that are going on in Philly and whatnot. Granted I do think, "ya kno mayB I will go..." But then I think about what I have to do for the week and remember that I don't have the time or the energy to deal with hang overs.. nor do I have the extra loot for the drinks at the clubs. Honestly I truely enjoy a simple night of amovie and some people I care about... Then sleep.. or mayB a board game. That'a my idea of a great night. Good conversation.. Good food.. Good company. I know there are people who think I stopped drinking because of Al. Yes, in the beginning I wanted to do it to make him happy. But Al and I had a talk aboutit. He didn't want me to stop for him, I had to do it for me and only me. I thought about what was said.. at first I thought.. wow, he doesn't mind if I go out and get drunk, Best boyfriend ever. Then I thought about how I acted and how my actions affected myself and those around me. I would lose a lot of people if I stopped drinking, but I would people I cared about if I continued.. So I stopped. I dont regret my choice and I don't think I ever will.

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me and kim

August 2007

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