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me and kim

this is an old as fuck entry from back in 2004, on my xanga page.. thought id share :)

I do have sumwat negatives feelings while listening to "mah" music. Todai and even last nite got meh thinking of a time where Ryan hurt meh the most, but I honestly don't think he understands why and how much it hurt. Lat nite meh and greg had a smashing time just doing wat we crazi kids do. We ended up at Breakers (yea, I kno, I was just as shocked we ended up there ). While entering we were speaking of all the asians in there, or those who happen to pass by on a regular basis. We laughed a little, I spoke on mah numerous accounts of not feeling "asian" enough, or even "pinay" enough. We got into a situation between Ryan and meh. We were walking, just having a conversation or two when he says something that I hadn't heard in a long time. "you're not really pinay, you're mostly white anyways." As always I shrugged it off, and made a sarcastic comment.

Since that dai mah minds wanders to all the times I've felt less than wat I was. How could someone you truely love say somthing so cruel. He may not have meant any harshness when he said it, but it still hurts. Wat makes someone who they are?? Wat gives the right for others to point and stare, just because they don't follow the norm? I lived half mah life TRYING to please others and the rest TRYING to find the real meh. Slowly I'm going towards the later. The past year has been a bit hard sticking to the finding meh aspect. I had one or two bumps in the road. I've sinced banished the devil spawn that was the pain in mah ass. During the last year I tried to be pleasing. It worked, but I wasn't hapi, being told on a regular basis, the music that helped meh pass the dais, the music that bonded sum of the greatest people together, was horrible, that it was noise....that it SUCKED! UUUUUUURGH?!?!? Mah blood runs cold just thinking of the horrible words that spuwed out of that mouth.

I never kne that the music I listened to made meh or broke meh. The dais are getting easier. I have people in mah life who no longer see meh as a color, as a symbol, or status . They see meh as judi perez, the girl who will do almost anything once. They don't care wat I've done, who I've been with, who I haven't. Thinking about that and talking about those subjests just gets in the way of X-Fire. There's no need for that to happen.

I gues wat I'm trying to get to is that, yes I am not a "regular" pinay. That does not meh I am less than the next. I listen to punk more than any other music, I've learned to calm mah fears of getting a concusion at a concert (there's nothing like calming a fear by doing it, and doing it the right way). Most of mah friends are less tan or a lot more than most. When I actually had a car I didn't care wat it did or sounded like, or even looked like, all I cared about was that it got meh from point A to point B in a good amount of time. I'm finially starting to like who I am, and no one is going to change that.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be a "norm" pino/ay, I'm just saying that's not really meh. I don't understand why people need to change for the sake of others. Like people have said You do You..I knew wat it meant then and I kno wat it means now, but I kno it for a whole nother reason.

Got nuthin but Luv


me and kim

August 2007

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