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Aug. 17th, 2007

me and kim

bored

I could really use some friends right now. I don't mean "our" friends. I want my friends. I'm so lonely I could scream!!!


Will u be my friend??

Nov. 18th, 2006

me and kim

(no subject)

im kinda bored.. and i found this somewheres.. if you are the owner.. pls let me know :)





1. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
whenever al asks if we can talk

2. What did you dream last night?
I really cant say at the moment

3. Who is the friend/s you can count on the most?
my cousins cuz their fam for life and i can tell them anything. and i gues steven, because i can count on that he'll scare/bother me in some way/shape/form

4. Where was your first kiss with your current significant other?
in his bed.... oooooooooooooo

5. Last time you kissed someone?
about an hour ago

6.What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
that i cant live my life complacently

7. Do you like anyone?
kinda.. i guess ::wink::

8. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
a few people

9. What's your favorite number?
3

10. Who was the last person to make you cry?
alan

11. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
once or twice.. but apparently it doesnt count because of the location and the fact that there was plumbing

12. When was the last time you cried?
about 8 hours ago

13. What is one thing you miss about your past?
not having so many responsibilities

14. What is one thing you've learned about life?
you cant live for other people

15. Are you jealous of anyone?
of course, makes me work harder for the things that i want/have

16. Is anyone jealous of you?
I doubt it

17. Has a friend ever used you?
isnt that why i have them?

18. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than as a friend?
negatory..

19. Who was the last person you drove with?
alan and steve

20. What are you looking forward to?
sleep

21. How are you today?
not too bad

22. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys"?
i like the in the middle kind, not a fan of a meathead, but i cant stand a guy who cries over lil tiny things

23. Are you currently single?
nope

24. How many things in your past do you regret?
i actually regret none

25. Do you have a best friend?
yea, i guess you can call them that

26. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
yea, but it's not as exciting as it sounds

27. Who was the last person you hugged?
alan

28. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't have them?
i get what i want when i want it.. NOT

29. If you could change anything about your past, what would you change?
i dunno if id change anything, what would I have missed if i did

30. Have you ever felt like killing somebody?
almost daily

31. Do you like your life?
it not too shabby

32. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
just one???

33. Did you forgive them?
i forgive, but fuck you if you think i'll forget

34. Who is your best friend?
prolly kim and eunice, and maybe alan

35. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
i'd say more of the penis card carrin kind

36. How long have you had myspace?
loooooooooong time

37. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
dont think so

38. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
a few times

39. If so why?
they deserved it

40. What are some of your biggest fears?
losing the things/people i lubz

41. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
who hasnt

42. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yea.. but then i got them in my pants so it all works out hahahah

43. Are you a player?
cut my pimp card a looooong time ago

45. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
thankfully yes

46. What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you have dated?
10 years

47. Have you ever dated/fooled around with a co-worker?
no comment

48. Are looks important?
mostly at first

49. Does how many people a person has slept with affect the way you view them?
yup

50. Do you believe in love?
if i didnt these past few years would have been a complete lie
me and kim

wow steven segal is on tv!

wow.. i have nothing to really say.. i know, that's a first.. but in all seriousness.. my mind's blank. well, not really i do have a few things on my mind. I cried today.. it was for good reason, i think?? Al was doing the what are you really feeling thing that he does oh so well, and i just put my head down and there i went. who knew? all's well that ends well though. i def feel tons better for doing it. works been hella crazi, than again.. look where i work. pt went a lil on the aggressive side and started tossin everything that he could get his grummy hands on. other than that craziness life's been pretty calm. fam's home watchin the fight and possibly gettin a lil tipsy. i have chosen to pass on the fab idea and chill with a more sober peoples.. aka whities :). i loves me my white people, and i'm not just sayin that cause my bf is one.. although it is a bonus. i learned that white people (as he put it not me) each hella early on holidays. always a good thing since we have to make an appearance at both homes before i gota jet to work... well i gtg

Jul. 15th, 2006

me and kim

(no subject)

Thank God I'm no longer in highschool. Oh wait.. Eventhough that is the case the same childish mentality still soaks up my time and efforts. Why does it seem like the older people get the younger they act? I'm not saying I don't do it, because I know for a fact that there are times when I'm the biggest kid in the bunch. Reguardless, there are so many idiotic "adult" delinquents that it almost makes me want to go back in time, and stay there. It's not like much really changes as you get older. Poepl just have an easier time being the stupid fuckers that they couldn't be in highschool... for a number of stupid "why couldn't I be in the cool crowd" reasons. Get over it!!! So you were a geek in highschoool A LOT of people were. Big fuckin deal?! There will be no woe is you. Yes, highschool was an interesting time for me. But thankfully I was able to learn from everything that happened. I like being in my 20s, but that's the thing, I realize that I'm in my 20s. I'm in no rush to "party it up" and have nonsense conversations. I have a full time job, a man in my life that will soon my my husband, and very little time to do anything else.

Just a year ago I don't think these thoughts would have ever crossed my mind.. not even as long as a year.. actually shorter. Anyways.. But again.. I've grown out of a lot of things in my life. There are very few things that have any importance in my life and I'm very happy with that. Call me soft, call me whatever you want. But you have to ask yourself, Are you happy?? When I say that, I don't mean for the day.. I mean.. How many complaints do you have in your life? I can officially say, Yes, I am happy. There are things I know I have to work on. In gerneral I am happy with my life.

Got nuthin but Luv

Jul. 3rd, 2006

me and kim

fuck u

It's amazing how people can seem so genuine, but end up stabbing you in the back over and over again. I know I should have learned. I didn't and I know it's just going to keep on happening to me no matter what. I know I can't change anyone but myself, but I really thought it would work this time. I was wrong.. AGAIN. Like Al said I was "dopefiended" into it. I guess he was right.. But still.. I truely wanted things to work out. But I know they never will. At least not in the situation that has occured. I know I have my own issues. I would never say that I don't I do a lot of things that annoy the hell out of a lot of people. But I'd never be truely selfish about it. At least I've changed. Or at least I THINK I've changed for the better.

Some days I wish God would give all the hypocritical dicknecks herpes, so they would all just go the fuck away. The thing is tho, everyone is a damn hypocrit at some point in their lives. I just hate it ALL. Just stop acting like you own the damn world!!! The world will never revolve around you or anyone else.

God I'm bitter tonight.. wishin for better days

Got nuthin but Luv (for most people)

Jul. 2nd, 2006

me and kim

I want you to want me

Wow.. I just went thru my entire xanga journal. Is it me, or was I horribly mean and bitter... I apologize greatly to those who were offended by what was said. Shit, that means I have to apologize to myself.. I was quite offended. I dunno.. Maybe I was just THAT bitter about my life. Yes I learned a lot, but I technically didn't change my thoughts at all during those times. I am just NOW learing that compromise is the only way Im going to stay sane in my world. I lost a great person for so many years, just because I couldnt really think for myself.At the times, yes, I did think I was being my own person. But I was hiding behind how everyone else felt. Yes, I was angry, I was hurt.. But when all of it was going on I never said how I felt. Yea, I bitched about and around certain people... But I never said what was really bothering me. To this day I'm stil having problems with it. But I'm better now. I can say what's on my mind and either not care what the other person's going to say, or I realize everyone has their own opinion and it's not wrong or bad if it's different from mine. If I have a problem I may not be 100% upfront with it at the time. But just give me a few and I'll finally tell you the whole story.

Granted I kno I havent been the best friend to most people. There have been days where The Bitch just wants to come out and play. I'm not using that as an excuse (well nayB a lil). There are days where I just cant handle company. I work mad hours, and just want to be alone. MayB every once in a while I'll have Al come by. I just can't understand how people can go out EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Or mayB just the weekend. I can almost understand if you're in college and whatnot, but adults in their mid twenties wanting to "party it up" every damn weekend. I just cant process all of that. MayB some people call me a loser because I stopped drinking. What a lot of people don't realize is that I did A LOT of bad horrible things while I was drunk. It lost it's "flavor" after a while. I started hating who I became when I was drunk. Then again, I didn't kno what I did most of the time when I was drunk. I hear all the "happenings" that are going on in Philly and whatnot. Granted I do think, "ya kno mayB I will go..." But then I think about what I have to do for the week and remember that I don't have the time or the energy to deal with hang overs.. nor do I have the extra loot for the drinks at the clubs. Honestly I truely enjoy a simple night of amovie and some people I care about... Then sleep.. or mayB a board game. That'a my idea of a great night. Good conversation.. Good food.. Good company. I know there are people who think I stopped drinking because of Al. Yes, in the beginning I wanted to do it to make him happy. But Al and I had a talk aboutit. He didn't want me to stop for him, I had to do it for me and only me. I thought about what was said.. at first I thought.. wow, he doesn't mind if I go out and get drunk, Best boyfriend ever. Then I thought about how I acted and how my actions affected myself and those around me. I would lose a lot of people if I stopped drinking, but I would people I cared about if I continued.. So I stopped. I dont regret my choice and I don't think I ever will.

Jul. 1st, 2006

me and kim

(no subject)

this is an old as fuck entry from back in 2004, on my xanga page.. thought id share :)



I do have sumwat negatives feelings while listening to "mah" music. Todai and even last nite got meh thinking of a time where Ryan hurt meh the most, but I honestly don't think he understands why and how much it hurt. Lat nite meh and greg had a smashing time just doing wat we crazi kids do. We ended up at Breakers (yea, I kno, I was just as shocked we ended up there ). While entering we were speaking of all the asians in there, or those who happen to pass by on a regular basis. We laughed a little, I spoke on mah numerous accounts of not feeling "asian" enough, or even "pinay" enough. We got into a situation between Ryan and meh. We were walking, just having a conversation or two when he says something that I hadn't heard in a long time. "you're not really pinay, you're mostly white anyways." As always I shrugged it off, and made a sarcastic comment.

Since that dai mah minds wanders to all the times I've felt less than wat I was. How could someone you truely love say somthing so cruel. He may not have meant any harshness when he said it, but it still hurts. Wat makes someone who they are?? Wat gives the right for others to point and stare, just because they don't follow the norm? I lived half mah life TRYING to please others and the rest TRYING to find the real meh. Slowly I'm going towards the later. The past year has been a bit hard sticking to the finding meh aspect. I had one or two bumps in the road. I've sinced banished the devil spawn that was the pain in mah ass. During the last year I tried to be pleasing. It worked, but I wasn't hapi, being told on a regular basis, the music that helped meh pass the dais, the music that bonded sum of the greatest people together, was horrible, that it was noise....that it SUCKED! UUUUUUURGH?!?!? Mah blood runs cold just thinking of the horrible words that spuwed out of that mouth.

I never kne that the music I listened to made meh or broke meh. The dais are getting easier. I have people in mah life who no longer see meh as a color, as a symbol, or status . They see meh as judi perez, the girl who will do almost anything once. They don't care wat I've done, who I've been with, who I haven't. Thinking about that and talking about those subjests just gets in the way of X-Fire. There's no need for that to happen.

I gues wat I'm trying to get to is that, yes I am not a "regular" pinay. That does not meh I am less than the next. I listen to punk more than any other music, I've learned to calm mah fears of getting a concusion at a concert (there's nothing like calming a fear by doing it, and doing it the right way). Most of mah friends are less tan or a lot more than most. When I actually had a car I didn't care wat it did or sounded like, or even looked like, all I cared about was that it got meh from point A to point B in a good amount of time. I'm finially starting to like who I am, and no one is going to change that.





I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be a "norm" pino/ay, I'm just saying that's not really meh. I don't understand why people need to change for the sake of others. Like people have said You do You..I knew wat it meant then and I kno wat it means now, but I kno it for a whole nother reason.

Got nuthin but Luv
me and kim

laDda

been a lil longer then i wanted it to be since i last made an entry..... anyways..


talked to kris yesterday.... after a rather lang departure from her. anyways.. she reminded me of all the STUPID things that happened in the years psted, when i say stupid i mean amazing memories made forever.. DUDE... i duunno why we did all dat sheeet but it was done.. and nothing can change that. st least we had alla dat before our friendship ended. but now it's back and we can mek new memories.. altho this time i think for some odd reason children and weddings may be in them instead of stupid nights of pole dancing and drinking. btw i am so hapi with ur descision (sp?). i kno it's hard but i kno you can do it. all you gotta do now is help me with lil smoking issue.

anyways.. hmm.. what have my hourse days... weeks been filled with?? Ya mean other then work?? hmm.. Good question. Well things at work are still up in the air, but hopefully my chnces are good and i can have days with a lil less stress. I mean, yea, of course i'll complain about my job. But in all honesty, I don't kno where i would be if i didn't have that. I mean a lot has happened, let me rephrase that, a lot of GOOD has happened, i guess, because of that job. I dunno know where i would be right now if i didn't accept. Actually i kno whre i would be. I just wouldnt be hapi there. (woe is me... boohoohoo.. :p) Well.. hmm.. other then the job>???

Ever feel old?? like really super old? Yea, i'm ONLY 22 (in 30 days it'll be 23) but i see what the "younger people" are up to and i start to either remember what it was like to be their age or get all "adult-like" and go around saying how their lives are so simple and easy. But if you think aboutit, 1 there lives are just starting 2 my life really is a lot easier. I stopped caring about what people thought about me. I am who I am and no one's going to ever change that, unless i give them permission. I can go whereever whenever I want to, well to an extent. Just the other day I was lying on the floor thrown a ball at the wall thinking... I have a car, I'm 22, I can by drinks.. cigarettes.. almost anything I want.. but I'm lying here doing nothing watching the disney channel. Right now I'm thinking about it. I was relazed.. I wasnt worrying about a damn thing.. bills.. money.. work.. people I care about.. nothing like that was in my head. I hadn't a worry in the world. I was living the life of a kid again. I NEVER WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN. It was more strssful being "relaxed" then it was when Im running about doing whatnot and whatever. I'm so used to doing X.Y,and Z that just standing still makes me sick. (oooh... HOOK is on :D :D :D) Speaking of getting older.. I really so like it. A LOT. Yea, bills suck and I cant go out. Ever. But gosh.. Highschool was such a lesson on how not to be responsible. Al and I have random conversations of what we used to do, and what we do now. Yes, we are boring. We don't go out... Neither of us drinks or does drugs. All we do is enjoy each others company, while smoking. LOL. I drink coffee and read books. Some days I'll get my nails and/or eyebrows done. The old judi would have hated me. Thought I wasnt doing all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing at my age. Yea I'm legal to do this that and the other thing. But I can also be tried a an adult. That's very uncool. I'm a lot calmer.. I dont react before I think. Well for the most part. I'm okay with just sitting at home. Eatting dinner and watching a movie. That's all the excitment I need. Shit I work at a mental health facility. I dont need anymore excitment. Hmmm.. what else about getting older. Well I started talking ot bestestestedest again. When you're young, you hold so many grudges. At least I did. I followed what people told me. Not what was in my heart. Once again.. we had so many memories. We missed so much in each others lives. Shit, she got narried. I found the man I'm going to marry, altho there were one of two in betweens.. No one understood me, or will understand me the way she does. We have to thank each other a lot for the way certain things turned out. Yea, we've had a bump here of there but we need each other. If certain people cant understand that, Fuck 'em. I guess it does bother me a lil that certain people in my life dont get along, but that's why Im gere. To patch it all up.

This entry is so random. Here.. then There.. It'll get better I promise.


gtg.. coffee's ll gone

Jun. 14th, 2006

me and kim

fear this min pin

wow.. just another lazy day. Woke up before mr. alan, of course. He's not feelin too well so i cant really bust his balls that much. Lat night was just a smidge on the interesting side. We had a lil debackle in the last night hours. But it was all for good reason. I dont think he understands that couples fight. They have to fight. Think that was the prob with most of the exs. None of them saw the importance of getting your feelings out there. Ya kno?
well anyways.. all was settled after that. It's very much known that I am THE DRAMA! not even a damn queen just DRAMA... I just have this habit of blowing everything, and when i say everything i really mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. waaaay farther than it ever needed to go, but that's me, and there's nothing anyone can do to change who i am or the way i think. Well mr. alouisous has changed me for the better in some ways.

okai.... he's gone back upstairs... good..

speaking of mr. alan... is it me or do some guys really think just about themselves?? okai we talked about this all last night, and i have talked to some descent sources..but still it gets a lil on the annoying side. okai i guess im really no better. I guess i am used to getting my own way as well, but still at least i compromise some of the time. sheesh.. i dont mean to bitch because i love him so damn much but it just gets to me sometimes..

Jun. 12th, 2006

me and kim

rule1: always try on more than one glass slipper

back at al's.. wow i'm really bored, dammit why won't he just wake up!!!

ingatz

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